Gratitude vs. Reality

'Any one else?'

There was silence in the room. A moment of reflection and hesitation. The sound of the lumber cracking in the fire place, one could have heard a pin drop.

' I will ' a very tiny voice came from behind the door. All turned to see, there she was, a lovely woman in her thirties dressed in a grey power suit. She had a matching ensemble with a large grey handbag and pointed stilletos that looked pricey. She held the door like her life depended on it, like she was terrified to move. She took a moment to compose herself after which she began walking to the front of the room. 

As she approached the podium, her features became clearer, she was blonde, very early thirties with a very sophisticated look. She wore what appeared to be reading glasses and had her hair wound up in a bond at the back of her head, which made her look like a librarian, or at least someone educated.

She had captivated everyone's attention by the time the she reached the podium, it seemed also that that she had gained her poise and confidence back and she stood still to adjust her jacket before she began to speak....

' Hello everyone, my name is Emily and I'm an alcoholic'

' Hello Emily' the room chorused.

' I've been sober for 3 years, 1 month, 25 days...' and looking at her watch, she finished her sentence, ' 13 hours, 42 minutes and 15 seconds'. She looked to the crowd and there were several nodding heads of approval.

' I'm here today because I'm at a crossroads in my life.' She held her breath for a bit and continued ' It seems the last time I was truly happy was 3 years, 1 month 25 days, 13 hours 43 minutes plus change. It seems to me, the last time I was truly happy was the night before I was taken to rehab when I was at a bar on Stanton Avenue have a bloody mary. I always thought with sobriety came the joy of being  "normal". I believed that no matter how hard the 12 step plans were, the rejection of those who couldn't forgive you for the pain you caused while you were a drunk, and no matter how many jobs would be refused you because of your addiction, that no matter how lonely it became when all friends and love ones departed,...that at least, there would be this joy in me, the joy of sobriety, the joy of being able to say NO to alcohol' 

She sighed.

'Alas, I was wrong...All i feel is emptiness and its been edging me back to the drink'. She paused, her words faint towards the end of the sentence. It sounded like she choking off tears in her throat.
'Nothing works... everything is just dull and feels meaningless...' she wiped a tear from under her glasses frame while her lips began to tremble as she was loosing her composure. Her eye layered in tears, she began to bite her lips as she leaned on the podium for support.
'I've tried EVERytHING...' she broke the silence as she burst into tears. She sobbed.
The man leading the meeting started towards her as though to comfort her but she caught a glimpse of him in the corner of her eye and motioned for him to stay away. She stood back up, wiped her tears and reached for her handbag. She rummaged furious through it until she located an item in her bag. Her face lit up instantly, she pulled on it triumphantly and with stance that could only be described as that of a warrior holding on it the captured enemy flag, she stated
'Everything.... except this!' pulling out a large bottle of whiskey

The truth Serum

Howdy!

What can I say at 5 am in the morning except, I must have a lot of things on mind for me to be writing this , this early in th morning on a Monday morning.
Hello World!, its been four years of silence.

That tends to happen when you have had a lot of things happen to you that you didn't expect. Lets just say that I thrived on always having a little glimpse into the future and living without that has been challenging to say the least.

I love to tell stories...tales woven in uncensored craftsmanship but.... and no buts this time. period.

So what to tell....
I got a dose of my own medicine recently. I was giving someone what I considered was honest feedback and I was surprised at how he reacted. I began by asking questions to ascertain that all the information I had received about him through the grapevine was true. He denied it all, claiming they were fantasies... I didn't believe him. I still don't, its far too convenient that just before all the things went ape-shaped, he just managed to whiz past the drama and land a comfortable new position in the organization. His explanation was that it had all been in the works, months before the company decided to lay off its managers, so luckily for him, his transfer process was except of the current cloud of doom looming over the organisation.
[aside, it reminds me of a French saying that a colleague mentioned recently, ' its raining like a pissing cow outside' ....crass but very effective imagery] Needless to say that it looked like cows were hanging from every inch of the roof in this company at the moment... but , hey,.... I digress.

So back to the gist,
The rumours had been flying of how this particular manager was detested by all and on the way out of the department. His head was apparently on the chopping block for wastage and damages in excess of 2 million bucks. But as fate would have it, he was transferred to another department in what he claims was a move that he initiated months in advance. So the skeptical me was quick to point out the inconsistencies but you know, the curious me had to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. So I asked him and his response, I already rehashed.
Any I got a dose of my medicine when he asked me why I found it so hard to believe him. Was it because of the people behind the rumours? Was it so improbable that good things could happen to him? Was I jealous? Either way, he had lost his patience for my cynicism and would not continue to talk to me if I would never believe him.
So, i had to ask myself the same questions.... Then it hit me, wasn't that my life? Aren't I always the one who gets out of nasty situations by a hair without any effort, prayers or lobbying ? Isn't it true that my friends usually wondered OUT LOUD that is, how come good things just used to fall on my laps like Santa's default mailing address.
Thats what bothered me so much... its been a while since things like that happened to me.  Instead, what I've had to deal with has tested me in more ways that one. Its called to question my character on so many levels, its tested my integrity, pushed me to the boundaries of denying my faith.
WHY?
Honestly, why is the worst question ever invented. it leaves you in utter confusion when you don't ask the right whys. Lets just say I've been asking the wrong whys for a long time and it has been driving me nuts.
So...
NEW PLAN!

No more whys.
as Joel said yesterday, Drop it, Leave it and Let it Go. I should really scream to myself...LEAVE IT!!! and Let it go.
From now on, i will not dwell on my past mistakes, i will look forward. what is in store for me? where am i going to be at the end of this year..? believe it or not, 2016 is whooshing by... January is over and done with, never to return and its almost valentines day. [P.s. I need gift advice for my darling man, suggestions are welcome] .So let the past be PAST... let it be history, let it be gone.
Forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made.
Look forward... SEEE... I do a new things says the Lord!

the heart of man is desperately wicked and sprawn like woven leaves of dirt and mud.
who says?
who knows?
who sees? and is not himself seen?
truth speaks,
its words are heard in tones
its colours in spectrums of grey
its message polluted,
diluted,
mangled with selfish ambitions,
thoughts of naked exploitation.....
Those who weep do,

The gist as said by me :-)

Found an old blog i dont think i published...
well here it is


The gist as said by me :-)


I don’t know how I’ve managed to transform into a glorified gossip. I mean honestly, I have friends who keep up with me just to hear the latest gossip because for some reason, I attract gist. Ha! See my life. I do not find it funny o! You people, you know yourselves...be warned or Imma (I’m gonna) cut you off! (that’s Yeye inc’s threat, lol, you should hear her say it)
Ok, let’s get back to the basics...where do I need to resume filling the blanks. Hmmm.... for the sake of those who do not know me, well, read my earlier blog entries...I guarantee you’ll be just as frightened as I am now. The weird thing is that I feel so mature all of a sudden. That is so annoying! Not that I can’t run around or whatever (that reminds me, maybe I should) but the fact that the yeye boyfriend I have is making me calm. I have not experienced that with any guy. I mean even my ‘forbidden fruit’ ex and our psycho connection only managed to keep my blood running at extreme levels, but this boy/man keeps the calm and the fire at the same time. Hmmm! Lord help this faithful daughter of yours.

Right! Enough soul searching...more gist giving!
1st,
Buble got a girlfriend??? Imagine the yeye boy, after I dreamt of him, prayed for him, listened to all his songs, what more did that nigga want that I didn’t do for him? Well, for starters, he aint a nigga! LOL. I am happy for him but that girl had better come pay homage to me if she loves herself or else...imma show her why they call me ‘Wonder Teva’
2nd,
I told y’all I moved out of my old flat. Well before I left...hmm you should hear the weird things that happened. OMG every day, it was one bizarre story after another. Let’s begin the great news... ‘yep! I broke the lodge house curse’. I know I lost half the readers with that statement. Well the lodge house curse is that ‘Any single (mostly female) person that got into lodge house would leave the house single.’ Well, what can I say, ‘some mothers do have em’. The odd thing is, several days to our departure, all the girls started acting up. They just couldn’t stand each other. The irony of it all was that they all confided in me. So roomie C would say crapy stuff about roomie E, roomie E and A would complain about roomie C. The thing for me was that as soon as roomie F left, they all became boring to me. So C would try to chat me up for a while then curse out E, E would make me eat dinner in the kitchen so we could chat...then A would come and E would fashi me...can you imagine? Anyways that chapter of my life is closed now, and what a grand finale it had. Then omo as I was packing to leave, omo, all the guys suddenly remembered me. It was funny.
Ok, with all said and done, I am grateful to the almighty. His love for me remains a wonder, and how he sorts my life, I can never say thank you enough.

Just Like Me

..She's just like...
....He's just like me...

Have you heard the Jamie Foxx song? 'Just like me'. I love the R&B, even though I want to reach across the radio...in this case my TV scream to smack his face! Oooh, so its cool to play games on your girl, but if she flips the script on you...its wrong???? N***a if i werent so in love with Jesus, I would give you a beatdown. He actually brings Joe to mind...i wonder where that guy is anyway???

Hello mes ami :)
J'apprends francais avec un tres belle prof, tres marront ... Yes, i'm showing off my level 3 soon to migrate to level 5 french. Damn, shortcuts arent as great as they are made out to be.
Ok. I am rambling...Will start afresh.
OLA!!!!
Eyin peeps, bawo ni! What do you do when you come home and find your beloved on top some person, do you wait see if its a guy or a girl? Do you scream and run? Or do you stand and watch and learn some new tricks which might keep the next guy from doing dirt??
I mean, do you not that the slow motion feeling like every thing is grinding to a halt and no matter what you do, you cant rewind it just outside the door...I mean seriously, what idiot brings a trick to the home he shares with his girlfriend? Worse, Who asks a girl to marry him and the next week goes 'girl-shopping'???
What kind of men do we have in the world today??? As if all the drama in the world is not enough, men have to add a little fire to it...yes I said MEN! Just cause she hasnt acused you doesnt mean she doesnt know...

Its amazing though, I have met some guys who claim that the girls have screwed them up. I actually know one...but thats a tiny fragment right? It always feels that way to the one in pain anyway...so back to my question? What do you do when your gal calls you up in the middle of the night, screaming...crying...telling you that the guy you all know as the 'spiri' has a less than spiritual appetite for the pleasures of the flesh?
I honestly am speechless...you???

Prodigal Daughter returns

It feels weird being back here...I have spent so much time away, the art of writing...putting my words to pen rather than saying the 'sweet mushy version' is becoming a bit strange to me.

yes i have been 'girlified' and 'mushified' and for what??



I am listening to this song right now with lyrics like 'what can I say? How many rules must I break?' Aaah maybe i'm just a bit bummed that two years doesnt seem to ignite the spark i was looking for. And again...i'm rambling!

Hello people!!!

Happy, so happy to see/ hear you...I've heard such great things happening! Some of us are now wonderful wives, others loving mothers of many children...some of our men have trail blazed! Achieved things aforehand thought to be impossible...gotten that dream job in a foreign land, made that entrepreneural dream come true.



For me its been another year gone so quickly. I dont know what i can grasp in my hand and call 'my thing'. I have done a lot of tiny good things...you know, like pay my bills...LOL, or go to church regularly, via internet or otherwise, or been a good samaritan any chance i got.

You know i'm the ambitious type...tiny person with dreams that scare even myself. I just cant help wondering if i am on track...i feel lost! in the wilderness of 'maybe's'. in the valley of the shadows of 'Its Ok' and the systems of 'It aint that bad'....boy! i've done it aint that bad in london and i think imma tired of that!



Hmm, I'm guessing alot of you are bored...so i'll skip the soul searching and head on straight to gist. GIST OOOO!! Naija people1



You remember my friend yeye inc....dont mind the yeye gal, she left my arse and shacked up with her beau...uuuh he fine and you should see her go all girlie on him...its almost a wonder to behold. I think she finally found her kryptonite...and he's one HUGE brother :)



My terrorist friend at uni, you wont believe that gal, she left all our asses in the single's club and got herself married to the sweetest guy ever. aah, they are cute to watch...only for a few seconds before you might gag from the plentious display of strong African affection.



Now that i think about it, all my friends are with much calmer and sweeter guys than they are. So does that mean i should stop complaining about mine? there is sweet and there is sweet, just as there are chalks and there are balls. Man, i need help! SHRINK!!!

On the bright side, have you heard the new buble song...See, i always knew that n**ga was looking for me...see there's my proof. his life is so imperfect without me...awww! its just 'cause he hasnt met me yet. Now i dont know if this is legal or not but i got the song, Its available on his webpage.. www.michaelbuble.com

Give him a holla,
Give me a holla....
Have a good one peeps,

Well its my birthday today... Happy birthday Buble's biggest fan!

TIME TO SHINE!!!

OBAMA won!!!
Can we still say there is something too hard for God???

Hallo ma belle famille,

How are we all? Are we excited? Are we glad for what God is doing in our time? He said it himself that in the last days he will pour out his spirit on all flesh...and no one will need to tell his neighbour -"know God!", for the knowledge of the Lord will cover the earth as water covers the sea'. ARE WE EXCITED??? We are in the era where nothing is impossible, we are in the season of triumph and victory. Paul rightly puts it when he said ' Ye are past conquering' Romans 8:37-39, We have transcended the realm of uncertainty, the shackles of want and poverty, the captivity of hopelessness...IT IS A NEW DAY!!
A day when you can be whoever you want to be.... it doesnt matter where you come from, it doesnt matter what your geneology looks like, YOU CAN ASPIRE! YOU CAN BE GREAT!
It seems like the dream of Martin Luther King became a reality yesterday. His hope that '.... children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character." affirms the word of God in Joel 2 vs 28 "And it shall come to pass afterward, that I will pour out my Spirit upon all flesh; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, your young men shall see visions". I will really encourage everyone that we should meditate on the book of Joel especially the second chapter because there God shows us a road map. He gives us the KEY to profitting in out time, he positions us to be at the forefront of success.

What are we doing to avail ourselves of this opportunity? Just as many prophets of old earnestly desired to see Jesus in the flesh, so the world around us is pining for a forecast, a map, a compass to direct their steps in the days to come...but friends we have a ANCHOR! we have a WAY!, we have the LIGHT that no darkness can resist...Oooh glory! Let us therefore STAND, knowing this '
1 Therefore we ought to give the more earnest heed to the things which we have heard, lest at any time we should let them slip. 2 For if the word spoken by angels was steadfast, and every transgression and disobedience received a just recompense of reward; 3 how shall we escape, if we neglect so great salvation; which at the first began to be spoken by the Lord, and was confirmed unto us by them that heard him; 4 God also bearing them witness, both with signs and wonders, and with divers miracles, and gifts of the Holy Ghost, according to his own will?
Hebrews 2 1-4.

My people, this is our time! Let us load our spirit with the arsenal we need to reign in this life. Let our minds be so rooted in God's word that we cannot complete our sentences without a thought to his greatness. Let us get excited for what great plans God has for us. He says " When men are cast down, then thou shalt say, There is lifting up; "Job 22 vs 29. Do not tremble because of the credit crunch, Do not let job creation statistics rule you! The Bible says, we should cheer that there is a lifting up! It has to get better, because God has brought me here for a time like this!
HALLELUYAH!!!


Take care and remember THIS IS YOUR TIME TO SHINE!!!

A less than inspirational speech

Ok, so I've been busy, and now with the credit crunch, all the bad news hovering around me, people expecting more from me, me forgetting my brother's birthday...ok, he's not my biological brother, same difference! my darling boyfriend refusing to propose...i think i have some time to vent.
I dont know, I guess I expected more, I expected that we would be riding on some cloud of awesomeness, and sipping champagne with world leaders, trying to joggle all that work.
hmmmmmmmm
You know what bothers me most, the fact that I let it all get to me. I mean, look at me, I survived emotional trama, gave quite a few to be honest, didnt do any of the nasty stuff and yet I wind up literally 'wound up' to a guy who's just growing...I mean, come on! WAKE UP GIRL, this never happens to you! you know how to deal with this kind of things, you cut your losses and move on, that's why you'd have made a great businesswoman if you had just devoted a tiny portion of that time to something else other than him........

Now, anyone reading this that doesnt know me will so get the wrong idea. You will misunderstand everything I'm saying and come to the world's wrongest conclusion. Its safe to say I have been know to throw people off...not intentionally mostly but it generally happens. I mean, it really takes a 'yeye-inc' or a soundboard or a 'coulda-shoulda' or a 'NEO' to get me. So why sprechenth me? Because I cant keep silent anymore!
je déteste ce silence exaspérant!! I want to speak!!!
LET ME TALK!!!
I want to speak [this would be the appropraite time to cry but naah, dont wanna ruin my mascara]
Ooooh dear GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????

I missed it,
I let it slip from my hand,
I let this perfect opportunity slide,
Now it scares the crap out of me that it may never come back again,
I may just have let it go...FOREVER[in phoebe's silly voice]

Damn!
I let him become more important than me...
I've become that woman...the one that throws it all away for love,
The sad sad cliche!
I've let him take that from me.
Right now i'm thinking of millions of ways to barbeque is tiny ass but i know i wont, so it makes me even more angry! if this is love, i'm sick of it!

In the midst of it all, i know i love him, i know i would do anything for him, but i hate that its true, is that normal? does every girl on the planet think like me? or is everyone thining...'psycho, lets get outta here!'
I really dont get why i have to be one in the relationship with the brain of a guy and the body/emotions of a girl. while he looks, talks, and craves like a guy but feels like a girl. He doesnt want me to move because he'll miss me too much...COME ON, i'll miss you too but that dont mean i'll pass up something that good just to keep staring at you...I mean honestly, I really dont think i'm being unreasonable...
Not to mention, my biggest concern in the future is how to leverage this, because i can think of ways to wangle out what i want, i mean that comes naturally to me...like air :)
But i cant with him....he's my achille's heel, my very own kryptonite!

To be fair, he is more than patient, i think no will be at peace with me as much as he is. I may scare him from time to time...but he sees me, he knows me, and he loves me with this kinda love thing that is like a sedative for raving madness. He hugs me and it feels like an avalange hit my erupting volcano...I should wring his neck!!!!
Well since i cant and i know i wont, i'll just succour in the knowledge that I at least vented!
Yearh!! HArd core chick...LOL

Help!