Gratitude vs. Reality

'Any one else?'

There was silence in the room. A moment of reflection and hesitation. The sound of the lumber cracking in the fire place, one could have heard a pin drop.

' I will ' a very tiny voice came from behind the door. All turned to see, there she was, a lovely woman in her thirties dressed in a grey power suit. She had a matching ensemble with a large grey handbag and pointed stilletos that looked pricey. She held the door like her life depended on it, like she was terrified to move. She took a moment to compose herself after which she began walking to the front of the room. 

As she approached the podium, her features became clearer, she was blonde, very early thirties with a very sophisticated look. She wore what appeared to be reading glasses and had her hair wound up in a bond at the back of her head, which made her look like a librarian, or at least someone educated.

She had captivated everyone's attention by the time the she reached the podium, it seemed also that that she had gained her poise and confidence back and she stood still to adjust her jacket before she began to speak....

' Hello everyone, my name is Emily and I'm an alcoholic'

' Hello Emily' the room chorused.

' I've been sober for 3 years, 1 month, 25 days...' and looking at her watch, she finished her sentence, ' 13 hours, 42 minutes and 15 seconds'. She looked to the crowd and there were several nodding heads of approval.

' I'm here today because I'm at a crossroads in my life.' She held her breath for a bit and continued ' It seems the last time I was truly happy was 3 years, 1 month 25 days, 13 hours 43 minutes plus change. It seems to me, the last time I was truly happy was the night before I was taken to rehab when I was at a bar on Stanton Avenue have a bloody mary. I always thought with sobriety came the joy of being  "normal". I believed that no matter how hard the 12 step plans were, the rejection of those who couldn't forgive you for the pain you caused while you were a drunk, and no matter how many jobs would be refused you because of your addiction, that no matter how lonely it became when all friends and love ones departed,...that at least, there would be this joy in me, the joy of sobriety, the joy of being able to say NO to alcohol' 

She sighed.

'Alas, I was wrong...All i feel is emptiness and its been edging me back to the drink'. She paused, her words faint towards the end of the sentence. It sounded like she choking off tears in her throat.
'Nothing works... everything is just dull and feels meaningless...' she wiped a tear from under her glasses frame while her lips began to tremble as she was loosing her composure. Her eye layered in tears, she began to bite her lips as she leaned on the podium for support.
'I've tried EVERytHING...' she broke the silence as she burst into tears. She sobbed.
The man leading the meeting started towards her as though to comfort her but she caught a glimpse of him in the corner of her eye and motioned for him to stay away. She stood back up, wiped her tears and reached for her handbag. She rummaged furious through it until she located an item in her bag. Her face lit up instantly, she pulled on it triumphantly and with stance that could only be described as that of a warrior holding on it the captured enemy flag, she stated
'Everything.... except this!' pulling out a large bottle of whiskey

The truth Serum

Howdy!

What can I say at 5 am in the morning except, I must have a lot of things on mind for me to be writing this , this early in th morning on a Monday morning.
Hello World!, its been four years of silence.

That tends to happen when you have had a lot of things happen to you that you didn't expect. Lets just say that I thrived on always having a little glimpse into the future and living without that has been challenging to say the least.

I love to tell stories...tales woven in uncensored craftsmanship but.... and no buts this time. period.

So what to tell....
I got a dose of my own medicine recently. I was giving someone what I considered was honest feedback and I was surprised at how he reacted. I began by asking questions to ascertain that all the information I had received about him through the grapevine was true. He denied it all, claiming they were fantasies... I didn't believe him. I still don't, its far too convenient that just before all the things went ape-shaped, he just managed to whiz past the drama and land a comfortable new position in the organization. His explanation was that it had all been in the works, months before the company decided to lay off its managers, so luckily for him, his transfer process was except of the current cloud of doom looming over the organisation.
[aside, it reminds me of a French saying that a colleague mentioned recently, ' its raining like a pissing cow outside' ....crass but very effective imagery] Needless to say that it looked like cows were hanging from every inch of the roof in this company at the moment... but , hey,.... I digress.

So back to the gist,
The rumours had been flying of how this particular manager was detested by all and on the way out of the department. His head was apparently on the chopping block for wastage and damages in excess of 2 million bucks. But as fate would have it, he was transferred to another department in what he claims was a move that he initiated months in advance. So the skeptical me was quick to point out the inconsistencies but you know, the curious me had to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. So I asked him and his response, I already rehashed.
Any I got a dose of my medicine when he asked me why I found it so hard to believe him. Was it because of the people behind the rumours? Was it so improbable that good things could happen to him? Was I jealous? Either way, he had lost his patience for my cynicism and would not continue to talk to me if I would never believe him.
So, i had to ask myself the same questions.... Then it hit me, wasn't that my life? Aren't I always the one who gets out of nasty situations by a hair without any effort, prayers or lobbying ? Isn't it true that my friends usually wondered OUT LOUD that is, how come good things just used to fall on my laps like Santa's default mailing address.
Thats what bothered me so much... its been a while since things like that happened to me.  Instead, what I've had to deal with has tested me in more ways that one. Its called to question my character on so many levels, its tested my integrity, pushed me to the boundaries of denying my faith.
WHY?
Honestly, why is the worst question ever invented. it leaves you in utter confusion when you don't ask the right whys. Lets just say I've been asking the wrong whys for a long time and it has been driving me nuts.
So...
NEW PLAN!

No more whys.
as Joel said yesterday, Drop it, Leave it and Let it Go. I should really scream to myself...LEAVE IT!!! and Let it go.
From now on, i will not dwell on my past mistakes, i will look forward. what is in store for me? where am i going to be at the end of this year..? believe it or not, 2016 is whooshing by... January is over and done with, never to return and its almost valentines day. [P.s. I need gift advice for my darling man, suggestions are welcome] .So let the past be PAST... let it be history, let it be gone.
Forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made.
Look forward... SEEE... I do a new things says the Lord!