illusions

I would lie, if i said i'd be staring at this blank page for ages. In fact, I'd be an even bigger fraud if i said i did anything with today...hmmm, I spent the last 24 hours doing absolutely nothing but hanging out with myself.
When I got up this morning, all I could think about was this semester's workload and how much work I had to do, and how irritated I was with little things in my life and how much I missed my mom and my little sisters, and how I was afraid that i'd never be happy...I mean truly happy, not that plastic smile on the face, dancing-to-the-tune-everyone-thinks-you-like, make-your-parents-proud, do the "proper" thing kinda happiness. I swear that is SOOOOO over-rated!
Anyway, after a wonderful continental breakfast by my adorable friend, I decided that today was all about TEVA! Today, i'll completely indulge myself and do absolutely no work, just pure pleasure. Not erotic pleasures, but the warmth of being at peace with yourself. I wasnt going to arrange anything with my weekend boyfriend (good friend), wasnt going to open any book, not going to read any newsfeed...well will check my mail just incase my dad writes and my german adventure writes again.
So at exactly 12 noon today, I began my self-indulgence. I watched 12 episodes of sex and the city (That show really messes up with your mind, why else do you think i'm telling you all this?...LOL). I took an unguided tour around some areas i'd not been to, i managed to squeeze in my laundry but i messed up my room trying to get all the dirty clothes out of the corners....kidding!!! I;m not that disorganized! ha!! but my room is messed up and that will only change after tomorrow's -oh, today's church service.
Somewhere in the midst of my indulgence, I received a call from a guy who professed to love me. In fact, he's been professing it for close to five years now (You'd think the brother would take a hint) especially when its only his words that echo around the room, his actions are another story entirely.(That i must confess is a LONG and boring story which i'm not comfortable sharing). Suffice me to say, he's all talk and no action. Anyway, he'd just called to check on me; the usual -nothing's up, i'm-just-caring gesture. He had, as usual, an excuse for everything he did. He reminded me of his undying love which actually made me literally want to bash something, so I gave him a piece of my mind. Now for those of you who dont know me, you'd find this hard to imagine since i'm usually a sweet, slightly extroverted doll who's always charming company; but i assure you my bite is worse than a viper's sting if you really hit my last nerve -and believe me he had. He was so full of tripe...(no that doesnt say it well, he's so full of shit!) I didnt get angry, i didnt scream at him, I merely told him, in strong words he was going to be looking up in his dictionary, that I can't stand him and a new year means a new leaf, wonderful possibilities I wasn't going to ruin with any illusions.

After I hung up and resumed my movie, I couldnt keep still, my mind kept flip-flopping between the movie and some nagging thoughts in my head. I couldnt shake off the speech about illusions. How many illusions am I still living on??? If true love only came once in a life time, had i blown my chance already? Was I going to be stuck with arse-wipes(like my darlin' sis calls them) the rest of my life? Was I never going to find someone else who understood me and just loved to be with me?
He didn't call me this new year...I was angry that it hurt that he didnt, i was angrier that i wanted him to, and i was angriest (if i can say that,) because it was bothering me so much. So I called, yelled and tried to guilt trip him. I guess I called at a bad time cause he kept giving me single syllabled answers. So at the end of a strained two minute call, i ended up with a rude realisation -HE HAD MOVED ON...
Oh my God, NEO, the one had moved on! His voice said it, the calm way he said he'd call me later said it, the way he was surprised that I called said it...SHIT!
I sat there,on my rumbled bed, staring at my phone...Shocked and scared as hell!
See, for me there's nothing worse than staring yourself in the mirror and admitting that your life's a mess and that the last time it was anything close to stable was when you had this 'piece of work' in your life. I could never have imagined coming to England would change so much! I was really happy with him, even though he was forbidden. He would have given all for me, but yeah, I'm such a coward and I ran from it. Even without him, I loved my life...I was content with my cool job, my fabulous and crazy friends, I loved watching Allie McBeal on sundays right before I go press my pants for work on monday; I loved having to hide my adorable CDs from my sisters who could never stand them, I loved being able to hug smelly jaguar before going outside the house, barefoot to see my friends off; I loved catching my monday flight to Abuja and lamenting how short the weekend was to my colleagues; I loved being among people that looked and thought like me. My people! I really miss home...even though it has a lot of challenges, home is still home.

Ever since I got here, I've struggled to fit in...you know, get my own crowd, get some work done, find out what i want to do with the rest of my life, answer all those nagging questions in my mind but tonight, I found one interesting answer. Its simple, all that soul-searching...waste of time! ... the truth is, you can only keep rolling out the questions, the answers come whenever they feel like; Take for example, I asked myself two and a half years ago, if i'd ever put on weight, well today i know the answer...I sure as hell CAN, not as much as the average person but sizeable enough....LOL. Dont believe me? Yeah, you're all just jealous of my sexy frame...LOL.
Well that means the other questions like 'What did I give up to get here?' and 'why does it suck to be a dependant?', 'what am i going to do with the rest of my life?', excetara will have to wait their turn in the great circle of life.

Hmmm, aren't you guys surprised I've not been talking about MBLA? Y'all just thought he dropped off the face of the planet?? Come on!Stuff like that only happens in movies where the guy just disappears from the cast. Well, the scoop is that he had the hots for some nigerian babe a while back...dont hold your breath, it wasnt me! I can imagine bijoux going 'aaawww, poor baby!' LOL. Naa its cool! I swear I've found out some things about the guy lately and i wonder if I wasnt just tripping for who i thought he was, not who he really is...(Sad thing is that he'll probably read this, but hey, the show must go on! and I apologize)
The german-affair, aka Frodo-look-alike is being such a darling. I mean he called during the week and was talking about coming over. Dont get me wrong, he's great! He looks wonderful,(he smokes, which i cant stand) but at least he believes in Jesus and he's fun to be with but i had to tell him the truth. I wasn't feeling him like that. He was really mature about it, I really like him, he's really cool...

So at this particular moment in time, being 2.00am sunday 14th of January 2007, I realised that I had come to that point in my life that I have dreaded for years. The point where i'll let him go and face the uncertain future with me, myself and I. I have clung to this fantasy for long enough, I have let fear rob me of anything meaningful too long. Yeah, It was a hard and long road that brought me here, but I'm here now and I aint going back! He was great, he was fantastic, BUT....the operative word here is WAS